A Big Sister in Heaven

Tomorrow is a big day, our first appointment at Penn Fertility Care.

I am a little nervous, quite simply because I do not know what to expect. I found a great article by a nurse specialist talking about what will happen. Even so, our path to infertility is unusual and the path we plan out (surrogacy) is extraordinary.

I have some hopes and expectations about the appointment:

• I hope to have a chance to ask a LOT of questions,
• I will endeavor to adequately communicate what brought us to seek fertility treatment and our hopes for its outcome,
  
• Even though we don't plan on taking the next steps right away because of financial reasons, I will be a little disappointed if we walk away without a game plan for what the next steps will be,
• I hope to get information on Penn Fertility's experience with and protocol for surrogacy, so that I can share this information with a few special people,
  
• It is my plan to gain an understanding of our options for genetic testing, what kinds of tests might be run and how they would likely be performed,
• Above all, I hope that it is a positive experience that gives me a sense of "starting" and of having some control (even just a little) over the process of having more children.

It feels good, going in. There are some sad feelings. I think the best way to explain it would be that, because we are now visiting a fertility clinic, our infertility finally feels REAL. Previously, it has been a lot of "Well, if we could, we would have another baby." For the first time, I feel a little closer to saying "We will have a baby brother or sister for Vivi". I know, I know, none of that SEEMS sad.

But along with thing that we will have another child, comes some of the daydreaming that people do when considering that step. I think about what we might name babies, and what they would be like. And that makes me miss Vivi so painfully, because I am dreaming about a child's future. She didn't get to HAVE that future. As much as I know I should not allow myself to feel this way, sometimes it feels like a betrayal.

But in my heart I do know it's totally the opposite. When I imagine future children, I am imagining a future for my FAMILY. And Vivi will always have a place in that family, secure and beloved in my heart. I will always confide in Vivi when my heart gets heavy or my mind is overwhelmed. I will ask her soul for advice, for love, for strength - and I know I will get it. By making sure our family has a future, I am doing the right thing by us, by Vivi and by the other babies we will have.

And besides, I don't know it yet by experience, but I have a feeling that you can simultaneously love ALL your children with your WHOLE heart. There's a magic in parenthood, I think, that does non-Euclidean geometry to the capacity to love. I think I am going to be able to love each and every one of my babies with my whole entire heart. It will never take love away from any of them, just expand accordingly.

So, it takes some good, strong thinking about it - but I am very excited and positive for tomorrow. I am getting the paperwork and documents all ready to go, planning out whether to take Septa or drive, and imagining what it will be like.